Life Hacks

Hot Girls

If there’s one thing in this world that I have sincere difficulty resisting, it’s pretty girls. Girls approaching me is such a rare phenomenon, that I always feel like I should take full advantage of the opportunity. It’s a feeling almost like being drunk in and of itself, as my brain relinquishes control to my baser instincts, even if my actions are foolish, because it’s nice to be validated, especially by attractive strangers.

Despite that point of personal deprecation, I consider myself to be well versed in the subject of hot girls, and I mean that in the least self-glorifying way possible. I’ve been around hot girls my entire life, and although the ability to comfortably speak to them has been a more recent development, I’ve learned a lot from the experiences and I would like to share my (subjective) wisdom with you today.

Don’t Hit On Them

First and foremost, when you meet a hot girl you’re going to want to fight that initial urge to hit on them. I understand the concept behind making your intentions clear, but it’s a truly pathetic strategy and it rarely works. Not only are you showing a complete lack of class and creativity, but also a lack of respect for them as an individual. You’ve barely let the girl speak before pigeonholing her as a sexual object. Besides, hot girls get hit on all the time. They already know you find them attractive, and have enough confidence, from extensive interaction with our gender, to outwardly reciprocate that feeling if the attraction is mutual. If you show your cards too early, the only thing you will have succeeded in doing is lumping yourself in with the dozen other idiots that have made advances on her that week.

Fake It

If you’re not handsome enough to establish an immediate physical attraction, your best bet is the slow play, a strategy more commonly referred to as “getting to know them.” Granted, the slow play comprises a much greater risk of landing in the friend zone, but that’s leagues better than stigmatizing yourself as a chauvinistic douche. So you weren’t born with panty-dropping good looks, get over it. Stop sulking about something that you can’t change and start playing to your strengths. You’d be amazed at how far you can get with a sharp wit and a good sense of humor. And for the love of god, always, always, always be confident in yourself. I don’t care how insecure you feel. Fake it, and keep faking it until it becomes part of who you are.

Get Your Balls Out of Her Purse

The second thing I’ve learned from my consistent proximity to hot girls is how to know when you’re being manipulated. To be fair, not all of them do it, but the ability to open doors with a smile comes with the territory, and the wiener-wielding masses are all too susceptible, sometimes subconsciously so. When a pretty girl smiles at us, our brains go numb, disabling our capacities for logic and reason, leaving only our abilities to nod and grin like unthinking Neanderthals.

This point is particularly important in the context of a relationship. I understand the desire to hold on to a hot girlfriend, especially considering the effort it takes to reach that point, but a healthy relationship should involve two people who are fully capable of being independent from one another, yet choose not to. If you’re constantly bending to your girlfriend’s will at the expense of your own wants and needs, you need to reattach your testicles immediately. Now, if you’re not sure where your balls are, I can help you. They’re in her purse, right next to the vibrator she uses every night after you fail to satisfy her.

You Don’t Own Her

The only thing worse than being the little bitch boyfriend is being the obsessively over-possessive boyfriend. Trust me, I’ve been that guy, and nothing will push your girlfriend away faster than treating her like she’s your personal property. If you want to date a hot girl, you need to accept that she will be a target for the preying eyes of would-be suitors, and trust her enough to let them try.

Hot girls don’t want an overly affectionate servant to do their bidding, and they don’t want a territorial gorilla to be their personal bouncer. They want someone who knows how to stand up for himself when he’s being disrespected, and has the self-confidence to let the competition take their shots while reserving the right to step in if things go too far. They want someone who will trace their curves softly in the morning, then place a firm hand around their throat and talk dirty by nightfall. In short, they want a man.

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